【Secret Tutoring (2018)】

March Mindfulnessis Mashable's series that examines the intersection of meditation practice and Secret Tutoring (2018)technology. Because even in the time of coronavirus, March doesn't have to be madness.

I can't remember a time when I didn't agonize over what I ate.

Like many others, I believed I took up too much space — no matter how much I weighed — and it led to distorted eating habits. I'd log every bite in the MyFitnessPal app; photograph my food for a dedicated Tumblr blog; limit myself to 25 almonds a day; shame myself if I dared to go to bed full.

I believed that when I lost enough weight, my approach to food would shift overnight. I'd stop obsessing and I'd never overeat or emotionally eat, or eat "bad" food again. Despite being in the "normal" range on the Body Mass Index scale (even though BMI is bullshit), I wasn't one iota happier, and my food obsession remained.

That misbelief was, of course, a fantasy, but thankfully I discovered something that is actually helping me change my eating habits and, more importantly, my mental relationship with food: the mindful eating program on the Headspace app.

Headspaceis one of many meditation apps out there. I've tried plenty — Calm, Buddhify, Stop Breathe Think — but Headspace is far and away my favorite. (While this isn't sponsored, I do receive a premium Headspace subscription through my employer as a perk.) Like other apps, it has plenty of exercises for stress, anxiety, productivity, creativity, and sports performance. But what hooked me was its mindful eating program. It may not be for everyone — some of Headspace's language around eating may cause a double-take — but for me, the experience has been largely helpful.

I prefer Headspace over the others for several reasons, the biggest being that it lays out the practical reasons for meditating. It's difficult to sit in a lotus pose every day if you don't know how it can actually benefit your life. Headspace's tracks are organized by an array of applicable life pain points and then drilled down even further. For example, there are several "Anxious Moment" meditations dedicated to, say, interviews or difficult conversations. And, out of all the apps I tried, Headspace is the only one with dedicated tracks for mindful eating, like a pre-meal track or one for cooking.

Mindful eatingis a form of meditation that teaches us to focus on our meals and how they make us feel. Mindful eating isn't about whatyou're eating, according to Headspace's Director of Healthcare Partnerships Sarah Romotsky.

"Instead of focusing on what we put in our mouths, we are focusing on the why and the how," Romotsky, who is also a registered dietician, said in an interview with Mashable. "The ultimate goal of mindful eating is to promote a more positive relationship with food and with ourselves."

Headspace offers a Mindful Eating "pack," a 30-day course that teaches you mindfulness techniques, as well as "singles," which are one-off meditations like "Eating Without Distraction" and "Eating With Appreciation."

I've completed the Mindful Eating pack and have kept using its techniques beyond the 30 days of the course. Here's what I've learned:

1. This isn't a "diet"

Traditional diets are focused on restriction, and, while some sources cite it as a way to lose weight, mindful eating is not. Diet culture fosters anxiety and fear around food, while mindful eating wants to reframe that relationship, Romotsky said.

While those who are recovering from an eating disorder should definitely consult a medical professional before incorporating a new food practice into their life, there is scientific research showing that mindful eating supports recovery from distorted eating.

2. There's no such thing as "good" or "bad" food

Thanks largely to the body-positive movement, I knew that there is no "good" or "bad" food — food does not have a moral value, and eating a food that is not "good for me" does not make me a bad person. But just being aware of a fact does not make it automatically sink in. Practicing mindful eating, however, made me realize that even if a food is not "good for me" in terms of nutritional value, eating it is not wrong and doesn't reflect on my value as a person. Labels I put on it are just that, labels I (or rather, my brain) put on it, thanks to years and years of absorbing diet culture.

"The one thing that people can do today to start promoting a better relationship with food — and relationship with themselves overall — is to change their terminology of good and bad," Romotsky said.

3. Small, daily changes add up

Each exercise in the Mindful Eating pack was 10 minutes long; I set aside time in the morning before going to work to complete it (and still do, just with different packs). While it may seem like nothing, it's anything but. As I progressed through the 30 days, I remembered the techniques I learned in those 10 minutes per day. Even if I forgot at the onset of a meal, I'd remember in the middle and pause to take some breaths. Speaking of forgetting...

4. I don't have to be perfect

Like meditation as a whole, mindful eating is a practice. The Headspace app actually put this reminder in a push notification: "It's not meditation perfect, it's meditation practice."

This stuff is difficult to learn, and expecting perfection from ourselves for whatever bullshit reason we create — that it's "just in our heads," that we're not exerting physical effort so it must be easy — is not only wrong, it is also going to backfire, and badly. This is an excellent opportunity for self-compassion: Be kind to yourself when you forget to take deep breaths or pause before eating. Beating yourself up into creating a new habit can work, but that's a habit in itself. Instead, create the habit of being kind to yourself. It's actually one of Romotsky's suggestions, so take an expert's word for it.

5. Don't look for overnight change

I've thought the same way about food for decades, so it's not realistic to think I can just unlearn those patterns after a few meditation sessions.

"Trying to unlearn something after 30 years of behavior is difficult," she said. "You can't expect a turn of a switch and have a better relationship with food and a better experience with food overnight." That being said, it is possible. It just takes time and self-compassion to get there.

Set realistic expectations for yourself, Romotsky suggests. If you have a full-time job — not to mention children and familial obligations — it's unrealistic to believe you will be on-point at mindful eating with every single piece of food you put in your mouth. Rather, the habit will become automatic over time if you keep up with it.

"It will become intrinsic, just the way everyone's current behavior of food has become autopilot," she said.

6. It's not actually about food at all

Practicing mindful eating and meditation as a whole has changed my perspective. I realize that I am not my thoughts, and my thoughts are not inherently true. Just because my brain labels a food "good" or "bad" does not make it so — it is just the product of decades of diet culture and socialization. And if that is true of food, then many of my negative thoughts, such as those about my body or my intelligence or what have you, may just be that as well: thoughts. Not the truth.

If you've tried meditating once, you know it's hard. But that's part of the fun, or at least that's how I've learned to see it. Just as with learning any difficult skill, meditation has allowed me to look inward and learn more about myself and my habits, and how to promote more positive ones.

I started with mindful eating because I knew my relationship with food could be better. Now, I'm realizing that the practice has a ripple effect, quieting not only thoughts about food, but also thoughts of self-judgment and unrealistic expectations. Who knows what else it will bring? I'm excited to find out.

If you feel like you’d like to talk to someone about your eating behavior, call the National Eating Disorder Association’s helpline at 800-931-2237. You can also text “NEDA” to 741-741 to be connected with a trained volunteer at theCrisis Text Lineor visit the nonprofit’s websitefor more information.

Read more from March Mindfulness:

• Snack meditation: How to practice mindfulness while eating a fry

• How to start meditating right f*cking now

• Music or silence? Which is better when meditating.