【eroticism thoughout the body】

All any of us want in life is eroticism thoughout the bodyto be heard. And recognized. As stars and/or social justice icons. Preferably on television or in a Meryl Streep movie, with Netflix as a backup.

So I can't help be simultaneously thrilled that this season's Queer Eye for the Straight Guyhas received such a hero's welcome and a little selfishly sad that I don't see queer women represented. I get it, I get it. Queer Eye for the Straight Humanoiddoesn't have quite the same ring as 'Straight Guy,' and queer women aren't as well known for the sartorial sensibilities. (Though historically we kill in the comfortable sandal category.)

That doesn't mean aQueer Women for [fill in the blank], shouldn't exist or wouldn't succeed. Queer women have rarely been more visible or attractive than in 2018. Now's the time to capitalize on our almost-popularity and turn our power into a beautiful work of corporate trash.

SEE ALSO: 2018 is gonna be a beautiful year for queer women in film. And yet.

First, a qualification: There actually was a Queer Eye for the Straight Girl in 2005, and it tanked after one season. Frankly, it deserved our wrath. The show's hosts were called "Gal Pals," a phrase appropriated from corny aunt culture, and it featured exactly one gal and three gay men.

Who would ever take advice from a "gal pal" unless you were looking for the best place to get a manicure near your kid's karate practice?

The show's original conceit and central problem was that it tried to too hard to imitate the original, without taking into account the diverse lived experiences of queer and straight women. Since straight women are assumed to have better-than-average style, the show's hosts focused less on cosmetic overhauls and more on improving their client's confidence -- important work, but absolutely awful TV.

Imagine if, instead of relying on exhausted cultural tropes, the show's producers had immersed themselves in queer "gal" culture. They might had a produced a show that had real value, something like (cough cough) a few of the different versions I've proposed below.

1. Queer Eye for Other Queer Women

Perhaps the best episode of this season's Queer Eyewas the one where Antoni pretends that a hot dog can be gourmetthe Queer Eye cast made over one of their fellow gays. As of now, there are no queer makeover shows for ladies in the queer community, and damn, do we need them. As a queer woman who once took all of her style cues from '80s Paula Poundstone and styled her hair like Home Improvement's JTT, I benefited greatly when my fellow queer friends stepped in to give me some "friendly advice" I was "required to take."

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It's not like there aren't plenty of masc and femme queer women with laudable fashion sense. We are so much more than the recycled "Save the dolphins" t-shirts and the wool socks with Tevas we've come to be associated with. Take a look at Lena Waithe, who will successfully put all your "lesbian with canvas tote bag" stereotypes to rest.

Actress Lena Waithe Credit: j. countess/Contour by Getty Images Lena in her greatness. Credit: dia dipasupil/Getty Images

Like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Queer Eye for the Queer Woman would fill an overlooked emotional need. For queer women seeking to adopt a more masculine-of-center look, the transformation is often its own kind of coming out. It can be simultaneously liberating and debilitating, especially if the person faces any kind of stigma from their parents and peers.

Who better to help queer women navigate that crisis than, um, some overbearing queer hosts from a reality TV show?

Let's cue up our sobs in advance.

2. Queer Eye for the Straight Lady

Of all the demographic groups, straight women are presumed to have the best style, second only to gay men. In my personal experience (in Brooklyn), that's not always the case. I've had more than one gay male friend tell me their salmon shorts are good (they are bad), and know plenty of straight women who try to rock orthopedic Danskos with insoles.

Queer women can provide plenty of support to straight women who need a makeover, especially if their style falls out of the traditional gender binary. There are so many of us out there who would love to help their straight female friends navigate the world of 'nontraditional' haircuts, Stevie-Nicks-inspired jewelry, and pants that have pockets.

Queer women invented the sexy key ring. Who knows what else we can do?

3. Queer Eye for Whoever Needs It

What made this season's 'Queer Eye' so poignant was how seamlessly it transgressed boundaries we've come to assume are permanent. Call me a sucker (please), but I'll go for "the unlikely friendship" narrative between working-class straight men and gay men every damn time. We don't have enough of these alliance in real life, and if corny corporate television has to deliver us the parable, so be it.

Imagine if Queer Eyetook their progressive conceit even further. Gender roles are a motherfucker. If Netflix really wanted to create transgressive TV, the type to inspire New Yorkerthinkpieces and -- wait for it -- real social change, they'd do the radically empathetic thing and invite everyone to their party. Trans people, non-binary people and all the benign straights, included.

I know Jill Solloway, the non-binary director of 'Transparent,' would never direct this show, but it doesn't hurt to fantasize Credit: Getty Images for DGA

Why should Queer Eyebe limited to bears who live in Georgia or nerdy cis gays who buy their glasses from Costco? We need more than trans women teaching cis women how to do their makeup or cis gay guys dictating deck chair arrangement to clueless straight men. We need people helping other people become their transcendent selves. It's the style that's always in season, the one look that always look good.

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