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"Starring Kyle MacLachlan" are free erotic moviesthe first words to appear at the end of every episode of Twin Peaks, including its Showtime revival, and for good reason: the show's central character since it first aired in 1990 has always been FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper.

So ... where the hell is Coop? I'm beginning to think we'll never know.

SEE ALSO: David Lynch made a short film for the 'Twin Peaks' panel at Comic-Con

We are now 12 episodes deep into Twin Peaks: The Return-- two-thirds of the way through -- and have not seen hide nor perfect hair of the man himself. And to be sure, there's been plenty of MacLachlan.

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He's played Cooper's craven doppelgänger, rampaging around the fictional Buckhorn, S.D.; Cooper's self-aware (but utterly mute) form traveling through the negative space beyond the Black Lodge; and of course, Cooper's earthly rebirth Dougie Jones, the near-catatonic insurance adjuster with a nose for slot-machine jackpots.

Yet here we are, a dozen hours without a single word from the trim, clear-eyed, nattily dressed, quick-witted, hopelessly ethical and enthusiastic Agent Cooper. You know, the main character? The guy who holds it all together?

Which is ... frustrating.

But frustration has always been what made Twin Peakstick.

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Everyone knows the story of how ABC executives in 1991 forced Twin Peaksto solve the murder of Laura Palmer, presumably on account of pressure from fans. David Lynch, who never intended to solve the crime at all, objected and stepped aside, the network suits named the killer early in Season 2 and sure enough -- the audience swiftly bailed.

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Fast-forward 25-plus years and Twin Peaks: The Returnhas its own murder mystery and plenty of other loose threads and red herrings to pick apart -- all the strange atmosphere of its antecedent seasons are there, and then some. But it's not what we're hanging around for. Lynch is too clever for that.

If Lynch has learned anything, its that if the audience is vexed by something lacking, never give it to them

This time around, instead of "Who killed Laura Palmer?," we've got "Where is Agent Cooper?"

SEE ALSO: There's reason to believe David Bowie could make a 'Twin Peaks' cameo

Dougie Jones is clearly Cooper's physical form, but did his consciousness and memories squeeze through the electrical socket portal in episode 3? Or is the Dale Cooper we know and love still trapped in the negative space (along with his shoes)? At least some of him made it that carpeted floor in Las Vegas -- tiny sparks of recognition for pie and coffee are tells, as was his deft handling of the assassin who tried to take him out on the plaza of his company's building.

Sunday night's episode 12 was the least we've seen MacLachlan so far this season; his only scene was a brief, silent game of catch between Dougie and his son in the backyard of their modest Las Vegas home that ... didn't get very far.

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It sure seems like the reconstituted Blue Rose task force is winding its way toward Dougie -- Diane (Laura Dern) had that cryptic "Las Vegas?" text come in on Sunday, and seems to know something about its meaning -- but even if his old colleagues find him in this state, there's no reason to think they necessarily hold the key to affecting his recovery.

Besides, if Lynch learned anything from his first run at Twin Peaks, it's that if the audience is vexed by something lacking, never give it to them.

SEE ALSO: The 'Twin Peaks' cast loves David Lynch so much it's almost uncomfortable

And to be fair, it would be jarring at this point to get Cooper back -- and to do what, exactly? Help them solve the killings that have been strewn throughout the show? No, those aren't driving our interest here. Not even the Grand Scheme of Things in Twin Peakshas the same powers of suspension that the lack of Dale Cooper brings (as if that could be reasonably explained anyway).

No, I'm convinced that if Dale Cooper ever awakens from his current Dougie state -- or is found elsewhere -- it will happen in this season's finale ... at the earliest. At this point, I'm not counting on it.

All of this sort of begs the question: Will there be another season of The Return? All indications are that this is a one-off, and gathering the cast was a Herculean task that only a director of Lynch's popularity could pull off. But stranger things have happened, and if Cooper is ever himself again, fans are definitely going to want the chance to spend some quality time with him.

If there is a fourth season of Twin Peaksin the offing, dear Showtime, can I suggest you let Lynch have his way with the story? We're having too much fun in this agonizing state of dissatisfaction this time 'round.

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